It's kinda hard to hide in my house.

Maybe I might cry myself to sleep. Hopefully Paul would be asleep by then, so he wouldn't hear me and get concerned for nothing. He sleeps near me e. Naomi's on the other side, so I don't have to worry much about her.

Right now, Paul's playing Ready Steady Go on the DS. Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! It's an awesome game.

Okay, I'll admit it. I've been pretty emo inside. I'm stupid because I got in La Salle, and stupid for not being thankful that I have a college when like some people wanted to get into La Salle but got rejected. I'm sorry.

It's just that since I was grade 4, all I've heard was ATENEO and yeah. My parents wanted UP and I guess it's not that bad there pala if it's cheap... It'd be easier for my parents, right? I didn't realize La Salle was the most expensive one. Ugh. Great. Sorry mum and dad.

I'm really thankful, though, that I've got people who help convince me that my situation isn't bad.

Thank you to BC and Tita Meg.

Sometimes I just think, "Maybe God's put me in here for a reason... MAYBE." but it doesn't really help when people say stuff like "Anyone can get into La Salle..." and "Lahat ng mga bobo pumapasa sa La Salle."

And um, my neighbour passed Ateneo. :| :| :| I bet it's the math section kasi.

But BC said that maybe, just maybe, God put me in La Salle because I'll be able to do something. Maybe I wouldn't be able to do that something if I were in Ateneo or UP.

But the thing I'm really scared of is... 6 weeks.

6 weeks of school left.

I was wondering what it'd be like 4th quarter. I had a feeling it'd be kinda sucky. Well, it is, because I'm being fucking emo. I really hate separation. Maybe it's from moving schools, I don't know. I mean, the move was 7 years ago. Am I traumatized or something?

Look, 6 weeks left with people in Woodrose.
I don't like separation.
I hate it.

I was watching a video of Kate singing. She's changed so much! I was thinking, one day... is this how I'm going to see friends? Just videos? Just pictures? Just typing "Hi!" "Hello!" "What's up?" on instant messengers, on Facebook, Multiply, or whatever?

What's worse is that I remember in the 7 Habits for the Highly Effective Teens, Sean Covey mentioned that after some time... he never even sees his friends anymore. I think it was after college or high school or something.

I think I'm like my dad, I'd probably die without anyone to talk to. Okay, so I'll have my neighbours to talk to... but it's not the same!

I don't want to be separated! I know you guys might say, "Well, that's life Leeann. Live with it."

Sorry, but kindly allow me to be a brat for a while. Please. At least on my blog.

When I moved here, I was kinda hoping my street would become like my second family. Well, it hasn't happened yet... But then again, I got adopted by how many families. It's awesome. I love them all, because they're all awesome in one way or another and they make me feel happy. At home. I just like having that feeling of family and maybe... closeness.

Medyo off topic:

I feel sorta bad sometimes, getting myself adopted in other families... I mean, what's wrong with me? Why can't I be close with my own family? Why do I feel so fake in Family Encounters? Honestly, I don't think Family Encounter is for my family. The only reason why I bother going is because there are uh, friends I can probably make. But when it comes to sharing with my own family...? No, rejection mode.

I feel mad at myself. But really, it's hard to explain why I find it hard. I mean, I love my mom, sure. But I don't want to express my feelings for my family.

Like you know, say something like, "Dad, I have a problem with you." because he'd probably throw it back at my face or demand to know the reason why and I just can't explain.

Honestly, though, dad's awesome when he's telling jokes and when he's being funny. But there are times when I just don't know what to think about him.

Back to main blog.

When the results of the colleges came out, I can sort of picture us separated. When I look at BC, for example, I see La Salle. Maica? UP. Likewise for Cathy and Zars.

But I like viewing them as how I did like, 1st quarter until the 3rd. They were my batchmates.

For lunch... Isa, Ana, and Erika would be sitting on the bench downstairs in front of the Mission Statement.

I know that when I'm near the cafeteria and take the stairs to reach the library, sina KayeMaicaZars Cathy Marion and Yona would be there. Jae Hee used to be there too.

Nirvana'd be near the shrine too.

On my way to my barkada's table, I'll have to pass by that crazy barkada by the two tables... (I only call them crazy because I still can't understand that barkada, even though Lea tried explaining it to me.)

And finally, I reach my table. We could be teasing/bullying Mica and totally messing up her sundae. Amaw could be making so many grammatical errors in one sentence and take 10 minutes trying to correct them all. Pao could be sharing corny jokes or Magikus stories. Kat could be sharing her really unique stories about her equally unique life. Pat would be making plans about how she'll save an imaginary country that sort of sounds like an actual one (In other words, Mindinao). Soph would sometimes go into shut down mode while I'm talking to her to piss me off.

Yeah, I'll miss those.

I find it really sad and annoying that... let's say you leave a country and you come back and it changes? I don't know how to describe it... it's just so annoying.

I mean, okay, um, think about a friend. Say you haven't seen her for some time (years) and then when you see her again, she's changed so much. She probably would think that nothing much has changed, but you have to adjust and get used to things... Right, I didn't make much sense on that part, either. I'm not making much sense anymore.

I probably can't fricking write. I can't write properly na.

I JUST REALLY DREAD GRADUATION.
I don't even know what I'm going to do like, after graduation. Probably bum at home. See, that's how boringly sad my life is. D:

I don't think I want to say good bye, just yet. Wouldn't it be awesome if we could all get into college together? Or better yet, it'd be awesome if we all just lived in Hong Kong.

I mean, look, Hong Kong is pretty small. We could probably go around and visit one another easily, right?
As compared to someone living in my area taking a plane ticket to Cebu. Or taking a bus to Baguio. You get the point.

I'm just rambling here now. I'll just sign off and go. I managed to cry, even just a bit. Maybe about 4 tears.
I'll go to bed and hope I manage to cry the rest of it out so it's done na.

Sometimes, I feel a little heavy. Like my heart is just... heavier. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be saying something like that, anything with the mention of the heart, and actually meaning it. And knowing what it means.

I don't want to stop talking or hanging with people. And I don't want them to stop talking or hanging with me. I don't want to be forgotten.

I don't want to forget them either.